[TV static drones]
[bright tone]
[upbeat rock music]
*
[cheers and applause]
- Welcome, welcome, welcome
to "Last Week Tonight."
I'm John Oliver, thank you so much for joining us,
and let us dive in straight away
with the 2016 election, or as it's better known,
"Oh, I get it: we all died, and this is hell,
"and Satan has cursed us to live out this nightmare
for all eternity 2016."
Now, the-- the second presidential debate
wrapped up half an hour ago,
but we taped this before it began,
so I don't know anything about
the thoughtful, substantive discussion of policy
that I'm assuming took place.
All I can do is talk about
what led up to the debate this week,
by which I mean, of course, this.
- Yes, that is audio of Donald Trump in 2005,
telling a giggling Billy Bush
that one of the perks of fame is that
he can grab women's genitalia without permission.
And--and let me just remind you that last Sunday,
I told you if you looked above the clouds,
you would see rock bottom.
But--but--but if you look up there now,
just way, way, way up there,
all the way up high, you will see,
right up in the distance,
where we were this time last week.
Because since then,
we have sunk so low,
we are breaking through the Earth's crust,
where drowning in boiling magma
will come as sweet, sweet relief.
And--and incidentally,
fuck Billy Bush.
Fuck that guy. Fuck him.
And not just for laughing along,
but for doing this once they got off the bus.
- Oh, Bushy, Bushy.
- It is--it is gross enough
that he's serving as Donald Trump's hug pimp,
but let's not gloss over the fact that he just said,
"How about a little hug for the Bushy,"
a phrase that, if it is not already,
should really be a felony offense in all 50 states.
Now, that tape was released on Friday,
and has reverberated throughout the weekend,
despite Trump's efforts to calm things down
with a video apology.
- I've never said I'm a perfect person,
nor pretended to be someone that I'm not.
Anyone who knows me knows
these words don't reflect who I am.
I said it, I was wrong,
and I apologize.
- Okay, let's try and unpack all of that.
First, he claims he's never said he's a perfect person,
which, of course, is a lie.
Then--then he says-- then he says
he never pretended to be someone he's not,
right before claiming,
"These words don't reflect who I am,"
which is absolutely absurd.
They could not capture his essence more
if they were spoken by a spray-tanned Furby
eating KFC and screaming at a Gold Star family.
Now, all this left Trump supporters in a quandary,
and his former campaign manager, Corey Lewandowski,
initially made some desperate attempts
to deflect attention elsewhere.
Lewandowski: You know, what we don't know--
and I'm not trying to change the subject here--
we don't have any understanding
what Hillary Clinton has said
in those meetings with Wall Street
where she was paid for these speeches.
She's never released those transcripts.
For all we know,
same things are being said in that regard.
- No. No.
No, actually, uh, the same things
are not being said at that regard.
Because at the very moment he did that interview,
WikiLeaks was publishing what it claimed
were excerpts from those speeches.
And while there is some compromising stuff in there,
at no point did she say to Goldman Sachs bankers,
"I'm for open trade and open borders,
"but above all, I'm for luring men to furniture stores,
"where I can grab them by the dick.
"I'm famous.
I can get away with that."
But--but it-- it soon became clear
that this tape had done some serious damage.
man: The speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives,
Paul Ryan, said quote...
- Wait, wait, wait. Hold on there, hold on.
"Championed and revered"?
You do know that women are human beings,
and not pedigreed show dogs, right?
Oh, women should be looked after with the utmost care.
Thrice-weekly grooming, regular vet appointments,
and then fed high-protein kibble
to maintain the luster of their coats.
Now--now there is a second half to that statement,
and you'll notice it does not involve
Paul Ryan withdrawing his support for Donald Trump.
- You hope he works to demonstrate respect for women?
What are you talking about?
It's too late in absolutely every way.
First, it's October of an election year,
and second, he's fucking 70.
But--but Ryan was not the only outraged Republican.
They lined up to disavow Trump's statements,
each with a similar theme.
- I have five daughters, and what Mr. Trump said
is offensive to me and my family.
- My wife and I, we have, a, uh...
we have a 15-year-old daughter.
- I have a wife.
I have a daughter.
I have a mother.
And I have five sisters.
Although these were not my sisters,
this wasn't my daughter, my wife, or my mother
to whom Donald Trump was speaking,
or of whom he was speaking,
this was somebody's sister.
This was somebody's daughter-- is some cases,
it may have been somebody's mother or somebody's wife.
- Look, as--as the son of a mother,
and the husband of a wife,
what the fuck does that have to do with anything?
You are--you're going through such an elaborate
"six degrees of separation" exercise
to arrive at someone with a Y chromosome
that you can feel sorry for.
Now, as the weekend unfolded, numerous prominent Republicans
actually began to formally withdraw their support
for Trump, most notably
the party's former nominee, John McCain,
who put out a statement saying,
"I will not vote for Donald Trump,"
a statement whose bravery was a little undercut
by the fact it was his second attempt at a response,
the first of which was much weaker.
- Senator John McCain just releasing a statement saying...
- Except no, he alone does not
bear the burden of his conduct
because he alone did not make himself
your party's nominee.
All of you have consistently supported him
through some absolutely heinous shit.
In his very first campaign speech,
he called Mexicans rapists,
and that was just the beginning.
Because since then, he has proposed
a temporary ban on Muslim immigrants,
advocated for killing terrorists' families--
which is, by the way, a war crime--
argued for waterboarding even if it doesn't
obtain information because, and I quote,
"They deserve it anyway."
And just this week, he stood by his claims
that the Central Park Five were guilty,
despite the fact that DNA evidence
has since exonerated them.
And all of you still thought
he should be president, so the only way
that you get to be shocked and outraged now
is if you were cryogenically frozen until Friday afternoon,
and that "Access Hollywood" tape
was the first thing you saw upon being reanimated.
Anything less than that, and this is on you too.
And--and as for Trump-- as for Trump himself,
he still doesn't appear to realize
how horrifying his remarks actually were,
because during his apology,
he was already trying to minimize the incident.
- Let's be honest.
We're living in the real world.
This is nothing more than a distraction
from the important issues we're facing today.
- Okay, now, first, I am genuinely disappointed
to hear him say we are living in the real world.
I-I had secretly hoped
this whole election was a horrible dream.
And--and not even my dream.
The dream of a racist teenager who fell asleep
while masturbating to Internet porn.
But--but second, this is not a distraction,
nor is it even a surprise.
If Jimmy Carter had been caught saying that stuff,
sure, we would all be shocked,
but with Trump, it's entirely in character.
And while there is talk of Republicans trying
to get him off the ticket, that's not going to happen.
Early voting has begun,
so people have already voted for him.
This is happening.
And in a way, perhaps we've always been
heading to this historic moment.
The first female presidential nominee
versus the human embodiment of every backwards,
condescending, "Mad Men"-esque boys' club attitude
that has ever existed rolled into one
giant, salivating, dick size-referencing,
pussy-grabbing warthog in a red power tie.
And I'll put it this way:
if American democracy is a computer game,
and Hillary is completing women's hundred-year quest
to get to the Oval Office, it kind of makes sense
that this would be the final boss.
And now, this.
- Joining us also from Palm Beach right now
is "Access Hollywood's" Billy Bush,
who's a good friend of the Donald and his bride-to-be,
and is among the invited guests tonight.
Billy, good morning to you.
- You ready to get going?
- I'm certainly ready.
- All right, let's get this party started.
The man is here.
Who has more access to you?
Me or Melania?
- I would say you have slightly more access.
- [laughing]
- They certainly want me, and they should want me.
I'm a ratings machine. - [laughing]
- If I don't know that's Billy Bush....
- No! - There's something wrong.
- Are you prepared-- mentally, physically--
to take over as president of the United States?
- Well, physically, I'm prepared.
I'm in very good shape, as you can see.
Very powerful man.
Mentally, perhaps, I'm not prepared.
[laughter]
Do--do I make him laugh?
Is he like this with everybody?
- [laughing]
[line trilling]
Trump: Come on, Billy. Let's go.
- Moving on.
Our main story tonight concerns President Obama,
a man so close to being able to smoke again,
he can almost taste those Camels.
[inhales deeply]
Now, his time in office is almost done,
and while he's achieved a great many things,
tonight we're gonna look at one of his inarguable failures.
- I have ordered the prison at Guantanamo Bay
closed by early next year.
Make no mistake.
We will close Guantanamo Prison.
I still want to close Guantanamo.
As president, I have tried to close Gitmo.
I will continue to push to close Gitmo.
It's time to close Gitmo.
Today, the Department is
submitting to Congress our plan
for finally closing the facility
at Guantanamo once and for all.
- Yes, Guantanamo Bay.
It's Obama's "one that got away,"
which is a little odd considering it's a place
where literally no one can get away.
So why has the president been unable to close Gitmo?
Well, for a start, most people don't want him to.
According to a recent poll, 52% of Americans
believe it should remain open, and there are others
who believe we should actually be using it more.
- In my opinion, the only problem with Guantanamo Bay
is there are too many empty beds and cells there right now.
We should be sending more terrorists there
for further interrogation to keep this country safe.
As far as I'm concerned,
every last one of 'em can rot in hell.
But as long as they don't do that,
then they can rot in Guantanamo Bay.
- Now--now he is basically saying there,
"Let's use Guantanamo Bay like Hell's waiting room."
And that is problematic for two reasons.
First, it's arguably unconstitutional,
and second, "Hell's waiting room"
is already the slogan of Henry Kissinger's bedroom.
That's a fact. That's just a fact.
And look, I can see--
I can see the reasons that Guantanamo is appealing.
You get to keep potentially dangerous people
locked up and far away.
But tonight, I would like to argue
that there are even better reasons
for closing it forever.
And let's just start with the practical ones.
It's very expensive.
Guantanamo cost $445 million to run last year,
which means we're currently spending
over $7 million per prisoner per year.
But the costs obviously go way beyond that.
Last year, a U.N. Human Rights Council
conducted a review of the U.S.,
and Gitmo was something of a feature.
- Iceland recommends the closure of the Guantanamo prison.
- End illegal detentions in Guantanamo Bay.
- Immediately close the Guantanamo Bay facility.
- And do all its best in order to close down
the Guantanamo facilities.
- Improve living condition in prisoners,
in particular, in Guantanamo.
- Investigate torture allegation,
extrajudicial execution, and other violations
of human rights committed in Guantanamo.
- Yeah, you heard right, that is Iran,
Sudan, Libya, and others
lecturing us about human rights abuses.
Which is, yeah, a little hypocritical.
Maybe don't tell us to eat healthy
when you have a fucking Whopperrito in your mouth.
But--but it does seem like this is
one of the few things the entire world agrees on.
It's basically, "Guantanamo is fucked up,"
and, "Yeah, you know what?
Kevin can wait."
Yeah, he can.
Let the man wait.
So, how did we get here?
Well, Guantanamo's origins are basically a series
of weird circumstances and ad-hoc decisions.
For a start, we don't own it. It's a rental.
In--in 1903, we struck a deal with Cuba
to lease the land for a Naval base,
and ever since, we have mailed them a check
every year for $4,085 in rent,
although, as Fidel Castro once told a film crew,
they've just been accumulating in his desk.
[both speaking Spanish]
- Just think about that.
We've barely been talking to Cuba.
We disagree with their politics.
And yet, every year, we send them checks
for hilariously small amounts of money.
We're basically Cuba's grandparents.
A-and this-- this unique arrangement
means that Guantanamo-- Guantanamo is legally
both America and not America.
Or, as one White House official once called it,
"The legal equivalent of outer space,"
which is a bit of an exaggeration, to be honest.
Some laws do apply up in space.
There's the law of physics, for example.
Uh, and the law of attraction.
Yes, of course. You--you--
you didn't really think Neil and Buzz
did not fuck on the moon, right?
Oh, they moon-fucked.
They moon-fucked, my friends.
They moon-fucked good!
Deal with it. Deal with that.
And this legal limbo has been useful to us in the past.
George H.W. Bush used Guantanamo to involuntarily
detain Haitian refugees seeking asylum,
and Bill Clinton not only continued that for a while,
he later used it to hold Cuban refugees.
So the use of Gitmo to store people
was one of those dicey legal workarounds in the '90s.
It was right up there with Vanilla Ice's explanation
of why he didn't rip off Queen.
- It's not the same bass line.
Uh, like, it goes...
[humming]
That's the way theirs goes. Ours goes...
[humming]
- That makes sense.
You've got a rock-solid case there, Vanilla.
No problem there.
Now--now--now, stashing those refugees
at Gitmo attracted significant criticism at the time.
But when the war on terror began, we started doing
the exact same thing with terror suspects,
even though, right from the start,
Donald Rumsfeld admitted it was
far from the perfect solution.
woman: Mr. Secretary, we've gotten into trouble
every time we've tried to use Guantanamo Bay in the past
to hold people for other reasons.
Why use it? Why is it the best place?
- I-I would characterize Guantanamo Bay, Cuba,
um, as the least-worst place we could have selected.
- "The least-worst place."
That is a rousing endorsement
from the worst-worst secretary of defense of all time.
But--but there was an obvious problem
with using Guantanamo in the war on terror,
and people were pointing it out at the time.
- How do you avoid the prospect of the U.S. military
in fact being jailers,
for an indeterminate period of time,
of people who have not been charged?
What are you gonna--what are you gonna do about it?
- It is certainly the-- the not-the-first choice
of the Department of Defense
to be in the business of-- of detaining people
for long periods of time.
- Yeah, it might not have been his first choice,
but it was inevitable.
Because a "War on Terror" isn't a traditional war,
where there's an exchange of prisoners at the end.
We were never going to accept a formal surrender
from the president of Terror,
who I can only assume is Willem Dafoe.
And--and--and now, that brings us to here.
Here, right now, nearly a decade and a half later,
and we're all so accustomed to the very existence of Guantanamo
that news crews tour it like it's a million-dollar listing.
man: This is a typical cell in Camp Five.
It meets all American Correctional
Association standards.
This is about 95 square feet of living space
with about 80 feet of unencumbered space.
man: One of the other amenities
available to the detainees is a library
of books, magazines, and video games.
- The book that we have the most, um,
in different languages would be the "Harry Potter" series.
man: Inmates are also given art classes,
the results of which are on display.
- He's making it sound like the world's
least-Jewish summer camp.
Who's doing Birth Right next year?
Nobody is.
Although, even the current luxuries the prisoners get
tend to carry a chilling reminder of where they are.
man: All prisoners use toiletries which happen to have
the brand name "Maximum Security."
- Oh, come on.
A prison calling its deodorant "Maximum Security"
is a little on the nose.
It would be like a Holiday Inn Express
calling its complimentary lotion
"Tearful Masturbation."
[sobbing]
And--and look...
[cheers and applause]
That hit home a little too close to some of you.
And before you think that those library books
provided an escape for the inmates,
just listen to Shaker Aamer,
who was released last October
after being held without charge
for nearly 14 years.
He found one particular book less an escape
and more a reminder of where he was.
- You know they got--they got an island in "Harry Potter."
It says "Azbakan," where there is no happiness.
They, you know, they just suck
all your feelings out of you.
And you don't--
you don't have no feeling anymore.
And truly, that's how I felt all the time,
is, "This is Azbakan. This is not from this world."
You know, because that's what they tried.
You know?
They want to make you feeling-less.
- Wow, that is the saddest allusion
to "Harry Potter" I have ever heard.
And I say that as a man who is often described
as "Harry Potter if he aged like a president."
And--and that's the point here.
No amount of sugar-coating can cover up the reality
of what we have done at Guantanamo Bay.
Because in the early years, interrogation techniques
included physical beatings, short shackling--
where a prisoner's arms and legs
are shackled together for long periods--
and hours and sometimes days
of repeated loud music,
which is horrendous.
Although sometimes,
that last technique backfired,
because that same "Harry Potter"-loving inmate
grew up loving American rock music,
and would annoy the guards by singing along.
And just listen to him describe
the one song that gave him the most consolation.
- I mean...[laughing], I'm sure--
I'm sure everybody will laugh when you hear it,
because I used to sing it a lot.
I used to-- because the words,
I though the words, it fits me.
The words makes me feel like,
"Yeah, it's me again,"
which is Whitesnake, it's "Here I Go Again."
They go--the words goes, "Here I go again on my own.
"Going down the only road I've ever known.
"Like a drifter, I was born to walk alone.
"'Cause I know what it means to walk along
"an only street of dreams.
And here I go again."
And it's true, because it's just dreams.
Dreams that I will be home one day.
Dreams that I will be free.
Dreams that Guantanamo will be closed.
- You know you are miserable when you are finding
solace in a fucking Whitesnake song.
That is a group whose second-most inspirational lyrics
are probably, "I know you ain't a bad girl, honey,
"no matter what the neighbors say.
"It's just you wear those skin-tight dresses
with your G-string tuned to A."
Pure poetry.
Purest poetry.
But we justified Gitmo, and everything we did inside it,
because we were constantly reminded of one thing.
- These are not mere innocents.
These are among the worst of the worst.
- They are bad guys--these are the worst of the worst.
- These are the people who are the bomb-makers.
The bodyguards of Osama bin Laden.
The financiers, the plotters, the people who have, uh, been
sent out to be assassins, to be suicide bombers.
These are the worst of the worst.
- Now, "the worst of the worst" is a big claim.
I can think of at least one person
who fits that category and who is not in there,
and that's because apparently he's still
working for "The Today Show."
But--who knows?
But--but while-- but while some detainees--
some detainees, like Khalid Shaikh Mohammed,
have clearly earned that title, others have not.
Because thinking about it: if they were really
all so terrible, it's a little shocking
that we've released 710 detainees over the years.
And leaked documents have since revealed
that out of 212 Afghans who were there,
almost half were, in the assessments of U.S. forces,
"Either entirely innocent, mere Taliban conscripts,"
"or had been transferred to Guantanamo
with no reason for doing so on file."
And some of the evidence against detainees
was surprisingly flimsy.
- One, I guess, piece of evidence
that they would use to determine--
I thought this was fascinating-- Casio watches.
- Well, it--it's kind of a little bit arbitrary,
but anybody who was wearing
this particular brand of Casio watch,
which was handed out by Al-Qaeda to their fighters
because it was used as a timer for setting off devices,
so anybody who happened to have this very popular watch on
was immediately picked up, and a lot of them
ended up in Guantanamo Bay.
- That's true.
If someone was caught wearing this Casio watch,
that could be used as crucial evidence.
And incidentally, that makes this the only time in history
anyone has actively sought out a man wearing a Casio watch.
And--and look, this is not to say
that everyone in Guantanamo is or was innocent,
and there is justifiable concern
that whenever we release someone,
they might go on to fight against us.
In fact, the government claims that nearly 6%
of those released under President Obama
have been confirmed to have reengaged
in insurgent or terrorist activities,
and for those released by the Bush Administration,
it's been 21%.
And while some argue those numbers are inflated,
even if they are, they are not zero.
And that is why politicians like Dick Cheney
have taken a hard-line position
that we should not let anyone go.
- I'm more concerned with bad guys
who got out and released than I am
with a few that, in fact, were innocent.
Todd: You're okay with that margin for error?
- I have no problem
as long as we achieve our objective.
- Yeah, but that is not reassuring.
The only objectives Dick Cheney has ever achieved
have been somehow serving as president unofficially
and managing to exist without the need for a working heart.
So--so there are clearly sharp divisions
about what we should do with the remaining population,
and you should know there's actually not that many left.
There are currently just 61 detainees down there.
That's less than the number of people
in our audience right now,
some of whom are arguably worse people
than some of the detainees at Gitmo.
They know it. They know it.
They--deep down, they know it.
[cheers and applause]
And--and...
It's an odd thing to clap.
And--and you might think,
"Well, why doesn't the president just put them on trial,
"figure out which ones are guilty,
and then he can decide whether or not to close it?"
Well, it's just not that simple,
because the 61 detainees fall into three groups.
Ten of them, including Khalid Shaikh Mohammed,
are having their cases handled by a military commission.
That is a legal process
that we've basically invented from scratch,
and it's so flawed that of its eight convictions so far,
four have been fully reversed on appeal.
Now, another 20 of them
are actually slated for release,
but are waiting for the State Department,
the intelligence agencies, and the Department of Defense
to agree on a country to send them to.
And that leaves us with the trickiest group,
the remaining 31 detainees
who have not been charged with a crime,
but who are also not cleared to be released,
and they are the real problem here,
because even the president
doesn't quite know what to do with them.
- There's gonna be a certain irreducible number,
uh, that, uh, are gonna be really hard cases,
'cause, you know, we know they've done something wrong,
and they are still dangerous, but it's difficult
to mount the evidence in a traditional Article Three court,
so we're gonna have to wrestle with that.
- Now, think about what he just said.
That is the president,
a man who has taught Constitutional law,
suggesting that for some detainees,
there is no clear path toward a trial or an exit.
Now, it's a group that the administration has called
"the irreducible minimum,"
which sounds like the name of a band
that was going to call itself "Absolute Zero,"
but got into a fight about it
with their pretentious theremin player.
And--and if you're wondering why the president says
it's difficult to "mount the evidence,"
what he means there is, in some cases,
there's not enough of it, and in others,
it was obtained through torture.
And there is a good reason that that is inadmissible,
because people often say anything
to make torture stop.
If you gave me a purple nurple
for just ten seconds,
I would look you in the eye and swear
that my favorite cereal is Grape-Nuts.
And--and I'm fairly sure
that that cereal's original name was,
"Good morning, idiot-- eat some cat litter."
So, the point is,
how does the president,
who has spent nearly a decade
promising to close Gitmo, plan to do that?
Well, it turns out, it all depends
on what your definition of the word "close" is.
- Closing Guantanamo, at this stage,
in the Obama administration view,
is really moving Guantanamo to U.S. soil.
The idea is to pick up the last detainees
and move them to military detention in the United States,
what we call "Guantanamo North."
- Yes, Guantanamo North,
or as I'm sure it will be called
once they build a Whole Foods there,
"Gitmo-No."
And--and look,
moving Guantanamo is not closing it,
but even that is not going to happen.
There's been relentless Congressional opposition
to moving any detainees to U.S. soil,
and the people in charge of Gitmo
seem to be settling in for the long haul,
and the reason we know that is because
a legal document from last month showed
the Commander-- the current Commander there
proposes renovating their infirmary,
as it will be beneficial to the continued care
of the aging population.
So, there might well be detainees
that we scooped up as young men
who we think are guilty
but who will never get a trial
and they will be there until they die.
And at this point, we all have to ask ourselves,
are we okay with that?
And remember, it does seem
that more than half of us are.
But I would argue that any potential risk
in putting detainees on trial, losing that case,
and having to release them, is worth it
for a few important reasons.
First, as it stands,
we are ceding so much moral high ground
that Vladimir Putin feels comfortable
saying things like this.
- [speaking Russian]
- They once said that they would close Guantanamo.
And what? Is it closed?
No.
Today, there's still people there
walking in shackles.
That is just medieval.
Without a trial, these people stay in prison.
Well, just imagine. It's incredible.
Can you imagine if we did that here?
I can't wrap my head around it.
- [Russian accent] Yes,
I am befuddled by their behavior.
Luckily, here in Russia, the people I do not like
just disappear for reasons
nobody will ever know
and nobody needs to worry about.
But Guantanamo? [imitates explosion]
It blows my mind!
Blows my mind!
[cheers and applause]
And--and while supporters of Guantanamo
argue that closing it would be a sign of weakness,
I would argue it's an act of strength.
Just listen to Lawrence Wilkerson,
Colin Powell's former chief of staff.
- What do we do with them?
Do we leave them there forever?
As an American citizen who is not a coward,
I'd be willing to release
every one of them tomorrow morning,
and face 'em on the battlefield again, if necessary.
But we got a lot of cowards in this country these days.
- Exactly.
When you see a bumper sticker
that says "freedom isn't free,"
this is what that means.
Standing up for our highest ideals
even when it requires accepting
a certain amount of risk,
and when that bumper sticker is displayed
above a pair of red, white, and blue TruckNutz,
it's a good reminder that doing something like that takes balls.
And--and there is actually one final thing to consider here.
The concept of Guantanamo represents an opportunity
to operate outside the boundaries of the law,
and that is way too tempting a proposition
to have at the government's disposal.
Because while you might be someone
who trusts President Obama's judgment,
remember, he's on his way out now,
meaning that the keys to Azkaban
will be handed over to whoever succeeds him,
and there is still a possibility
it's going to be this guy.
- We're going to keep-- as you know,
Gitmo, we're keeping that open,
and we're gonna load it up with bad dudes.
We're gonna load it up with a lot of bad dudes out there.
- That's the point.
If we don't shut it down,
future President Trump could theoretically
throw anyone he doesn't like into Guantanamo.
And you might say, "Well, come on,
"he'd have to come up with some pretext,
and it couldn't be an American citizen."
But I would like to put it to you
that I've been shit-talking this guy
for the better part of a year,
and I own a fucking Casio watch.
[cheers and applause]
So we need to shut this shit down now.
And now, this.
- How do you feel about your butt?
- Are you kidding me?
You did not just ask me that. - I did.
- I was in my pajamas all day, just walking around the house--
- S-slow down here. This is--this is the good part.
Yeah. - Okay, I was in my negligee.
- Ah.
You're the best-looking girl in the whole cast.
Are you single, or are you, uh, boyfriend?
What's going on, gorgeous? - Hi.
- Look at you. You are so beautiful.
Here's a very inappropriate question:
do you ever, uh, send pictures?
You know, intimate pictures to one another on the--
on the mobile phone?
The talk, right now, is your dress, so--
- Oh, my gosh. - Let's get this going here.
That white number you wore the other night?
Where were you? Oh, my God.
- Oh, at the People's Choice. - Ba-boom.
What's going on with the calorie intake
over here, ladies?
There's the lovely Nancy O'Dell.
Look at her, gorgeous, working on her computer.
Let Uncle Bushy read you guys a story, okay?
Somebody take my picture. Quickly.
Selena Gomez, you're 17.
If you don't look good without makeup now,
I'd pack it in, same with Miley Cyrus.
- Some family jewelry right there.
- Maybe a photo of your family jewels first,
and make sure that you don't want--that you can Tweet to Al.
- Moving on.
[cheers and applause]
Moving on.
Finally, tonight, we turn to Chechnya,
Russia's Florida,
in that it shares a border with Georgia,
and doesn't seem to have any laws.
Uh, its leader, Ramzan Kadyrov,
is known for his human rights abuses,
his close ties to Vladimir Putin,
and his phenomenal Instagram page,
where you can see him, among other things,
attempting to make out with a deer.
Kadyrov: [speaking native language]
- You can tell that even that deer is thinking,
"Look, I'll give you one kiss because I'm a deer
"and I'm stupid, but shouldn't you
be running a republic right now?"
We actually talked about Kadyrov back in May,
when he'd lost his cat
and he was asking his people
to help him locate it.
You may remember that we asked you
to take photos of any cats you saw
and send them to Kadyrov, asking him,
"Is this your cat?"
Now, apparently,
he didn't find that very funny,
because-- and this is true--
he Instagrammed this photoshopped image
of me in a Putin T-shirt
with the caption, "I'm tired of jokes.
"I want to care for cats in Chechnya.
By the way, Putin is our leader."
And listen, I'll admit,
I'm tired of a great many jokes,
but asking Kadyrov "is this your cat?"
is emphatically not one of them.
But--but this week, I do have an update for you
on Kadyrov, but it is not that he has found his cat.
He ha--he hasn't.
I'm--I'm guessing he's currently seeking comfort
in the old Chechen saying,
"Every time Ramzan Kadyrov loses a pet,
the terrible forest wolves gain a snack."
But--but something almost as exciting happened to him.
- [speaking native language]
- The regions were electing
new leaders and local deputies.
The most convincing result was shown
by incumbent leader of Chechnya, Ramzan Kadyrov.
He has more than 97% of votes.
- Yes, Kadyrov won reelection
with 97% of the vote.
Not 100%. 97.
It's a gentleman's dictatorial landslide.
Uh, Turkmenistan's leader was reelected
with 97% of the vote,
as was Egypt's el-Sisi,
and Syria's Bashar al-Assad earned both
his first and second term with, guess what,
97%.
That number seems to sum up
the tyrant's mindset perfectly.
I'm paranoid--paranoid enough to know
that 100% is too high,
and yet I'm delusional enough
to think 96% is a real nail-biter.
But Kadyrov's reelection is by no means
the most eye-catching thing he's been up to lately,
because cat or no cat--
and to be absolutely clear, no cat--
Kadyrov has had himself quite the summer.
Just a few weeks ago, he held a celebration
for Chechen Women's Day,
and this is how he was dressed for dinner.
[festive music]
*
Who...
Who wears a suit of armor
to a Women's Day dinner?
Congratulations, ladies.
To honor you, I'm wearing clothing
from an era when you had no rights whatsoever.
You there! Serving wench!
Bring me my women's day wine!
A-and that was just the beginning.
You see, Kadyrov has three young sons,
pictured here being hugged by what is either
Steven Seagal or a tomato with a goatee.
It's unclear. We don't know for sure.
But if you follow Kadyrov on Instagram,
which you really should, you will know
that he has been training his children and other boys
in mixed martial arts.
And if his unlicensed boxing gym for sweaty tots
were not weird enough, and it very much is,
this week he actually staged a series of MMA fights
featuring each of his three sons
as he sat there and watched.
And I honestly don't know what I find more upsetting there:
the fact adults are cheering on fighting children,
or the fact that any one of those children
could beat the living shit out of me.
But--but--but wait, because we're still not done here,
because this week, the same week he staged
his child fight and was reelected,
Kadyrov launched his own reality show.
- [speaking native language]
man: [speaking native language]
- Yes.
Kadyrov has his own reality show,
the premise of which is that contestants compete
to be the head of Chechnya's Strategic Development Agency,
which, to be honest, might just mean
spotting an eight-year-old in the weight room.
But--but the bigger picture here is,
I think I know what you're thinking.
Wait, an authoritarian nutcase
who wants to rule the land has a reality show
where people compete to be his employee?
That's the most ridiculous thing I have ever--
you know what, I'm hearing it out loud,
I get it, never mind, never mind.
Let's move on.
Look--look, I can make fun
of Kadyrov all I want
until he murders me,
but--but you've got to admit,
he is living a dream right now.
He's got Chechnya's highest office,
he's got his own reality show,
and he's got a level of power so great
that no one will tell him not to stage televised child fights
or show up to dinner dressed like
the world's oldest Ren Faire enthusiast.
Kadyrov has everything he wants in this life,
and there are no words I could say to him
to remind him that he is missing something,
other than, uh...
[cheers and applause]
Ramzan Kadyrov,
I have a quick question for you.
Is this your cat?
[cheers and applause]
Is this your cat?
Is this your cat, Ramzan?
Because I'm 97% sure that it is.
That's our show.
Thank you so much for watching.
See you next week.
Good night.
There you go.
Yeah?
Are you his cat?
[upbeat rock music]
*